@stephchach

Seattle adventures, life, home, and coffee—in no particular order

Profile of a [cat] killer

Jasper is Mr. Pouty Pants today. His royal highness hurt his paws this weekend, and he’s working on destroying his fourth bandage in two days. Because he’s staring at me in that pained, condescending way only he can pull off while still maintaining a firm grasp on my heartstrings, today’s post is all about my baby dog. There, Stinky, are you happy now?!?

Jasper the Wonder Dog

Without further ado, the profile of a [cat] killer:

Name: Jasper “the Wonder Dog” Chacharon

Birthday: October something 2005

Age: 4 ½ going on 2

Nicknames: Stinky, Mr. Stinky, Jazz-dog, Jazzman, Christian Bale, Mama’s little angel

Nickname backstories: Stinky (This one speaks for itself. Not only is he your typical smelly dog, he’s also the world’s deadliest farting machine. Whew!); Jazzman (Apparently I mumble because multiple people have thought his name is Jasmine. Which has evolved into the much studlier Jazzman, or if you’re Auntie Doodle, Jazz-dog); Christian Bale (Uncle Sean coined this one, mostly because Jasper is handsome as hell, but mildly abusive to his loved ones); Mama’s little angel (This one can only be followed by, ‘Mooommmmm, you’re embarrassing me!’ In dogspeak, of course.)

Favorite edibles: Mom’s shoes and spectacles, bed sheets, bacon, bacon-flavored anything, ribs, cats

Favorite holiday(s): Every weekend is a holiday! We get to sleep in, go on long walks, and play for hours in the back yard. In the summer, we get to go camping and exploring. I love weekends!

Favorite activities: Chasing tennis balls, chewing tennis balls, staring longingly at tennis balls that have rolled under the deck, running through beautiful flower beds to recover misplaced tennis balls, chasing cats, chewing cats, staring longingly at cats that are just out of reach, going on family walks, chasing my tail, running crazed laps in the back yard, farting, going to the dog park, snowshoeing, surveying the street from the off-limits leather sofa, SNUGGLING!

Least-favorite activities: Puking in the backseat of mom’s car, being subject to loud noises (such as motorcycles, lawnmowers, shotguns, vacuums, etc.), forced socialization with little sissy dogs, getting squirted with the spray bottle after barking at innocent puppies, having my morning/afternoon/evening naps interrupted

Favorite person in the whole wide world: Duh, my mama. My daddy’s pretty cool too

Favorite animal in the whole wide world: My buddy, Guts. He likes to play and wrestle even more than I do. He also gives a mean blow-J

My most horrible secret: This one time, I killed the neighbor’s cat. It was two weeks after we moved into the new house. Its name was Marmalade. Turns out the cat belonged to the neighbor’s son with down-syndrome. It’s NATURE! For some reason, my mom was really, really, really mad

Pet peeves: Garbage men, personal hygiene, parental intimacy, lack of access to people food

Strengths: Seducing dog skeptics with my smoldering gaze, snuggling

Weaknesses: Kittens

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3 comments on “Profile of a [cat] killer

  1. Nicole
    May 4, 2010

    How come he took your last name and not Adam’s?

  2. stephchach
    May 4, 2010

    His daddy hasn’t made it legal yet. When he does, we’ll revise his legal documents with the alternate: Clemacharon. Plus, let’s be real, Mama C is the primary caregiver.

  3. Crystal Martinez
    May 9, 2010

    I love the explaination behind Christian Bale, too funny. Jasper, Auntie Crys can’t wait to meet you!!!

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This entry was posted on May 3, 2010 by in Uncategorized.
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